A parent's role in developing resilience

I find it a little amazing when we talk about the general 'needs' of parents in terms of what they really want for their children. In many ways it depends upon the question that is posed. But overall the results would be expected considering Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I think it is just the way they choose to go about the process differs and it provides the real key to success. I have added a copy (From: http://sites.psu.edu/leadership/2014/11/29/prepare-for-success-path-goal-theory-and-maslows-needs-hierarchy/) to help you.

If you ask "what do you want your child to be in the future?", we receive replies of happy, healthy, safe, successful, creative, resilient etc. All of these well-being terms of course are largely intangibles, but by no means important results of their partnership with the school. If you have been reading my blogs and their links, you will find a link to many references to well-being and how it impacts upon the student's creativity and resilience. I did point out using the IB that every school system has a general aim (or objective or mission) of enhancing the holistic growth of a student. So this part of the students education is important but by the same token it is also overlooked.

I suppose the idea being able to survive in the real world is the ultimate aim of parenting, but do we go about it the right way? The previous posts refer to resilience and creativity talk about using language to help develop the correct mindset so that this is likely to occur. I also refer to 'helicopter parents' in them but don't really take it any further. I think that now might be the time. Do we concentrate too much on the lower hierarchy tangible needs at the expense of the more intangibles?

Part of the process in developing resilience is the concept of risk taking and learning from mistakes. By risk taking I am not referring to doing risky activities! I refer to the accepting of challenges and using their strengths and creativity to solve (or at least attempt to solve) them. This is a vital step that the helicopter parents attempt to circumvent by stepping in and not allowing it to happen. Even though the motive is good, by stepping in you can be effectively telling your child that they are not capable of doing it by themselves and this can have the opposite effect to the one I planned! Surely helping them work out ways to conquer the challenge next time is a better option! If we want then to attain self-actualisation, then surely we must consider this in our actions and responses.

Far too often I have witnessed a student in total shock and dismay as their first real challenge occurred and they did not know what to do? Previously the strategies had involved mum and/or dad 'bailing them out". After a while this is the norm and expected by the student and does not lead to growth of resilience! After all, there is a difference between support and bailing out (or taking over).

Allowing students when they are younger, and their mistakes maybe a tad less meaningful, to start developing resilience strategies is probably best. Younger children tend to rebound and learn from set-backs much quicker than older students. If they are allowed to become too dependent on their parents for answers and/or "bailing out", it will become far too easy to NOT accept the challenge and learning and developing resilience will suffer. Like all of us, we rely on habits that have worked in the past, and if that involved letting someone else do it, well why not? As they become closer and closer to being an independent adult, it becomes more problematic when this occurs. As we all remember, in the teenage years it is so important not to lose face, especially in front of your friends. The idea of being allowed to "do it themselves" or if you like "move forward on their journey towards self-actualisation" assumes a real importance to teenagers. Remember, your actions will have a lasting effect on their personality, self-esteem and even their ongoing relationships with you.

Over the years I have seen far too many really lose so much when suddenly a challenge (such as gaining a drivers licence on the first attempt) was not conquered, and in many of the cases it was due to lack of resilience strategies. If part of a parents role is to assist you child develop resilience strategies then you must "walk the walk as well as talk the talk".

I wonder if:

• It is better to make a mistake when the child is younger and allow them to start developing resilience strategies earlier?
• I am sending the right message to my children by stepping in and completing a challenge before they have had a chance to try?
• I am really helping my child develop resilience strategies or making them reliant? 
• I concentrate on the tangible needs of my child at the expense of the more intangible needs?

Creating a growth mindset

One of the best things that you can give your child is a growth mindset. It will allow him or her to continue moving through life and gaining skills that will build resiliency. Many people think in absolutes and use those terms to praise and acknowledge, and if not done correctly it can produce a fixed mindset in your child. The chart form class teaching wordpress provides a simple comparison between the two.

From: https://classteaching.wordpress.com/page/4/?app-download=ios

Unfortunately the fixed mindset seems to be the one of choice. It allows us to easily set goals and assign targets for our children to attain. I cannot remember the number of times I have been asked to offer a quick fix to get the IB grade of 7 or max out the marks in one task or criteria or whatever. Unfortunately we soon pass this idea onto our children. Learning becomes an accumulation of bits of knowledge at the expense of looking at the expense of real understanding. A couple of years ago I was talking with a girl in her final year of the IB program. Her total focus was on grades and saw review of past papers as the best and only option. I just wondered what would be the response if a question appeared that was slightly different and required thinking and understanding instead of simple recall? It came, she became anxious and complained about the questions - however, on close examination of the teaching guide it became evident that there was nothing wrong with the question. It was the fixed mindset of the student that was the problem.

In essence, I feel a growth mindset centres on the idea that there are always things to learn. If you believe that you can attempt a challenge then you will gain some mastery of it. How many times I have heard the expression "David is so clever" from a parent or other member of a community? This implies and sends a message to "David" that he has gained success and does not really need to continue gaining skills. In plain language its like ticking a box - done that! I don't have to worry about it and can move on. The only problem is he will soon get into the fixed mindset mode with all of the negatives that are attached. To me its like watching the development (in particular physical and sporting) of students - the early bloomers dominate early and the late bloomers arrive at the 'money time'. I have seen many early bloomers go from the front to the rear of the pack during their time at school. I have even witnessed some totally lose interest in an area that was previously their strength.

Praise is an integral part of growth and we all actively seek it. Why not say "that was well done" or "some clever thinking going on" instead? Praising the process, tends to push the child's thinking towards learning more, and they see many possible answers. It also promotes and rewards creativity, and that is a real positive. We all know that there are usually more than one way to solve a problem, and allowing children to try to develop strategies that could solve the problem is always beneficial. Our role as a parents to support and advise without taking over, and as always communication is the key. Using language such as "I like your thinking, but have you thought about trying ....." rather than "I would do it this way" will value the child's thinking (think praise)!

As I previously stated, the language we use is paramount if you are to develop a growth mindset in your child. Take care with what you say both before and after "the event". How many times I have heard a well-meaning parent ask their child "are you sure you want to do this?" or maybe "you should try this later/next week/when you have learned the basics". Its a given that we  all want to protect our child from harm or danger, but is it really sending the right message? The two examples I have used in this paragraph tell the child they are not ready and they are not up to it. It is essentially labelling them as failures - an effectively making a fixed mindset in them. This is when you have to ask yourself whether it is better to shelter them or allow them to try

A growth mindset in essence concentrates on the process rather than the destination. It sees life as an ongoing series of challenges that are similar but different. So a growth mindset provides mechanisms to help us do this. Developing a fixed mindset does tend to break life into little steps. Well that's ok, but as we all know, life really is about repetition and doing similar problems over and over again. A person with a fixed mindset will lose interest and not adapt to similar challenges as quickly or efficiently as a person with a growth mindset.

I wonder if I :

• really encourage a growth mindset in my children?
• really model the importance of a growth mindset to my children?
• really use the language that will help my child develop a growth mindset and greater resilience?

The language of resilience

So following on from my last last blog, I want to spend a bit more time on the language of building a positive mind growth attitude and resilience. It seems easy when we do it, but we have to remember that we are battling against our natural instincts and everything we have learnt. It will not be as easy as you think considering the indoctrination we have already gone through in our own lifetime.

From: http://thoughtfullearning.com/blogpost/get-smart-become-talented

So is there much to change in what we do? The simple answer is no! But it is a change in the way we think. Every instinct we have tells us that we must train our children to win and we do it by praise and learning the language of winners. Using language that implies completion, or more precisely that "they are there" is as natural as breathing. "Sally aren't you clever .." is heard on a daily basis. However, as we realise things are not in absolutes and there are 'shades of grey" that exist in all things we do. With our neuroelasticity we can keep adapting and learning, and this is the key to creating a growth mindset. So in essence you look at rewarding the process rather than the result.

I know that there is not really much difference between "Sally you are clever" and "Sally,  I like the way you think"? In terms of praise, no, but in terms of meaning yes! Both offer positive re-enforcement, but growth mindset language implies it is good but further improvement is still possible. This I particularly like as it allows for future growth! If the challenge is slightly different or more challenging, the impulse to "give up" will still be there but the feeling "to give it a go" will also be there.

To some this sounds a bit like learning from our mistakes rather than looking at how good I am now. But if we again go to the basic principle I mentioned was behind the education system of Finland "students learn when they are ready", I think it all makes more sense. If a student is not ready for a task on the day, then a fixed mindset tells him (or her) that they failed. However, in reality they might need a little more time or practice so they are really "in progress or not yet ready", if we think using a growth mindset. I know from experience which student will continue developing, it is not rocket science as many if not all students feel dejected if we use the term and this negatively impacts their future growth.

If you would like to read more about growth mindset, I suggest Even Geniuses Work Hard by Carol S. Dweck.

Now I think its time to think about
Do I promote future growth and resilience in my child?
Do I praise using a fixed or a growth mindset?
Would I be prepared to try using growth mindset language? 

Self Promotion

I suppose that today's society rewards the idea of self-promotion. This works fine for some extroverts, but what about the rest? 

I found this interesting perspective in an article by Sarah Green Carpenter in the Harvard Business Review. 

She also goes on to say that "wanting to be good at something is incompatible with thinking you are good at something" and this is a distinction that is lost on many, if not most. I have seen this far too often in the past with self-belief exceeding ability and skill level. The first instance of self doubt can easily lead to the "house of cards' falling with quite dramatic affect. 

Teenagers are not really emotionally and intellectually prepared for this part of life. There is no manual and so they seem to make it up as they go. Often this leads to a case of overkill or 'poor winners', and you guessed it - schadenfreude! Not having the maturity to realise that your success comes at the expense of someone (even a friend) is not at the front of their thought train and we get to a toxic impasse. Winners see their detractors as 'sore losers', while losers see winners as 'braggarts and self-absorbed'. As I previously posted, this is a huge problem at college admission time where the big winners are jealousy and animosity!

I too celebrate the triumphs of my boys, but the celebration is also tempered by fact that there is a fine line between self-esteem and self-confidence, and over-confidence and becoming a 'sore (or bad) winner'. It becomes a balancing act between 'strengths and weaknesses' and handling them both in a positive and productive manner.

Pushing children and encouraging them to engage in self-promotion is neither productive or a shortcut to success. It can easily have the opposite effect resulting in self-doubt and even alienation from the peer group (refer to my blog on schadenfreude). This makes it imperative to think about our own actions too, as they can become the 'norm' for our children to copy and adopt.

So maybe we should ask ourselves

• Are we modeling the right attitudes in our children?
• What sort of values are we instilling in children?
• Are we developing creative and mature adults?
• Eveb though soeicty in general favours self-promotion, is it really a necessity?

Why Cheat?

It seems that the pressures to win are really widespread. Is it becoming a norm rather than an exception? I have read an interesting article that seems to indicate that may well be the case.

Student behaviours will mirror those of the people around them. The old adage "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is most apt when we look closely at student behaviours. They learnt their behaviours from those around them - I include myself in this category. It is really a matter of modeling and using both appropriate behaviour and terminology. If we imply that the learning is over and that they have reached "it", the child will comply and slow their progress. They will not see the reason to continue providing the great effort as the chances of guaranteed! You did say that they have made it, and as we know children tend to think literally. 

The short video tells us a little more about the psyche involved in a student's attitude to cheating and other misconduct.

Students like the rest of us like receiving praise. They seem to take particular delight in receiving it from significant adults in their lives. The push to receiving it will make them search for and adopt the most successful strategies. If it involves the "bending of rules" then that seems OK. A recent look at 'cheating by students' shows an interesting rise in the practice and a decrease in the social disapproval of it! 

Cheating no longer carries the stigma that it used to. Less social disapproval coupled with increased competition for admission into universities and graduate schools has made students more willing to do whatever it takes to get the A.

After all they see this mirrored all around them every day. They actually do not see this as cheating, but maybe as a slightly different set of rules that seem to apply in general society. I mean after all is it really affecting anyone else? 

So do we simply ignore it and accept it as part of life or try to make changes?
Is it a case of I see it everyday and nothing is done, so its Ok for me too?

Pushing Kids to 'win'

I suppose we are now starting to get to the centre of things. The problem with pushing kids too hard or too early is well documented. But that has not really stopped parents doing it. So I ask again, why do we push our kids so hard? I really think that we do things with good intention, but sometimes we can send the wrong message at the wrong time. Children, especially younger ones are very impressionable and willing to follow and mimic our every action and word.

Is it:

• trying to put them in a position to gain future success?

• trying to live our lives through them?

But are we really doing the right thing? According to Lynn Margolies, Ph.D in her article on PsychCentral

Pushing teens to be the best is well-intentioned. We worry that they will be left behind in a competitive world. But the notion that being the best and having the most brings happiness is an illusion (Crocker & Carnevale, 2013). And future success is not determined by good grades, Ivy League acceptances, or inflated self-esteem (Tough, 2012).

But does it do any good? I wonder if this is a sign of 'helicopter parenting'? This seems to be really common condition in my society today. I know of students who have the day fully planned for them, and anytime there is a problem with academics the response is 'I will organise tutoring for ....' Its almost as if the student will do something 'silly' if they have some free (or should I say unplanned) time! 

I wonder how successful this really is in generating productive and creative members of society? It is an interesting thought and made me seek an alternative viewpoint. I found it in an article by Sally Sara (in a series on ABC News - http://www.abc.net.au/news) about the lives of influential Asian Women - this one about a Mongolian mother, Sevjid Damdin. Her thoughts are simply given as

"Our people say, 'Let children be children' otherwise they cannot think freely. Little children should be able to learn everything their own way. Don't tell them, 'you can't do this, stop this and sit here and be quiet'. We are against that one. We say, 'Let them be free'.

At the moment, educators are closely examining the system that operates in Finland. There is no formal schooling (as we know it) until the child is ready. How astonishly opposite to the systems that operate in most western societies? All early childhood education is about holistic thinking - physical, intellectual, language, social and emotional taking equal importance. A big push in this area is also "learning from play". So its refreshing to note that the real rigours of traditional of schooling can wait.  

I wonder if we dare do this in our society?

• Could it stifle or could it promote resilience and creativity?
• Why are some schools in the US promoting playtime for students?
• Why are the most successful education systems like Finland, allowing students to learn when they are ready?
• Why have schools opted for a technology free time for middle school students during break and lunchtime?