Parent Decisions & Choices

I thought this might shed a bit more light on what parents want. They seem to vary and there are so much depending upon cultural, socio-economic and other factors that apply. The variation is neither surprising or breaking news to educationalists, but I suppose that certain pushes indicate the likelihood of becoming a "helicopter parent" and having the resultant impact on the self-actualisation and the resilience level of your child. I suppose the question is where does the concern & your child's end and the living the child's life by making all decisions for them start? An interesting point, and I wonder where the "borderline" lies!

Figure1: How K-12 Parent prioritise attributes

So lets have a closer look at a study done in the US, I feel that the results would be similar in most developed countries. According to Liz Wimmer* in the Getting Smart blog series, parents want:

1. acceptance into a top-tier college
2. creativity programs (including music and arts)
3. high test scores
4. leadership skills
5. the ability to work with individuals from a variety of cultural backgrounds
6. individual attention for their child as needed

* Liz Wimmer is a parent and writer with the National Center on Quality Teaching and Learning at the University of Washington. The article is based upon the study done by the Thomas B Fordham Institute, and a more complete examination of this study & its results are available here. The study summary is shown in figure 1. #Figure 1 shows parent high priorities in green, desirable are shown in yellow and less desirable (or so called expendable) characteristics in red. 

She goes on to give some details on percentage of parents giving importance to these areas based upon a 2013 survey. Again these are not really revolutionary or breaking news but they do point towards what parents want. They do provide a really good framework for your child and there is nothing particularly wrong with making these choices, considering the decision is usually made when the child is pre-teen. But if we follow on from the resilience blog, then I think this can be a negative impact on your child if they keep going. Once the initial are in place it is imperative that you gradually allow them the opportunities to make decisions. Even if they are initially under 'guidance mode' it will help.

I was asked (as part of my head of year role) to sit in on a seminar where students explained to parents what they wanted in terms of colleges. The students basically spoke to their parents and offered detailed explanations to support their choices. It proved an interesting evening with a few eye opening moments, but the key factor was the communication about what the student want. I really think this was the icing on the cake and perhaps even the main purpose of the seminar. This activity was a peripheral "desire of parents" at best, but the importance to the student and their development of resilience, priceless!

I still find it rather amusing at the number of students who have their day fully mapped out for them by their parents, fully understanding the reasons for this, but wondering if in the long term it is the best option. I think that giving them the opportunity to make decisions for themselves (or at least) talking through decision-making is missed in these situations. In the effort to leave no time to make mistakes, parents are really depriving their children of valuable learning experiences and true bonding time that comes with the discussion that follow. But, by the same token, if the parent-child communication is overly critical then more damage can be done than good. I wonder if that is also part of the reason for the over commitment of students by their parents?

The desire and ability of teens to make sound decisions is obvious. But there are times when parents step in and take away the 'right' to make decisions. Again the overall reason behind doing this is often sound and would appear to be based on Maslow's hierarchy. We want to do what 'we think' is best, but in doing so we lose a golden opportunity to help further develop resilience strategies. I think the opportunity to sometimes use these situations as a learning exercise is missed. Is it that difficult to sit and communicate with a teen about the reasoning behind a decision? That would depend on whether you had already begun the process of "teaching" them about decision making and resilience.

I find it amazing in many ways that we find it so hard to "let go"! The idea of allowing them to make their own choices seems foreign, that is until they leave the "nest" to go to college. Part of gaining self-actualisation and build resilience strategies and skills is to practice. Gradually weaning off of dependency will help and is a good strategy for parents to remember. The last thing you really need (as a parent) is the phone call about a decision that should be made on site. Confidence and having the ability to make good decisions or at least be able to minimise damage if a decision goes wrong is what we all hope our children have. But do we do enough before they leave to make sure that it is so?

I wonder if:

• I have prepared my children well enough to make decisions?
• enough of my students have been given the opportunity to fine tune their decision making skills?
• we concentrate far too much on the more tangible aspects of Maslow's hierarchy at the expense of the self-actualisation of our children?