Positive role models and teens

Its a real pity that a society that pushes the idea of self-promotion does little to provide the necessary role models for the students to aspire. The value of positive role models in the development of positive attitudes is obvious. If we provide positive examples then we quickly establish the patterns we want to instill and re-inforce. But just as positive models establish positive patterns, then negative role models establish negative ones.

We have already seen that our society actively supports and pushes the "self-promotion and winning". We readily make and promote role models that we hope will inspire our children and "produce winners" but I really wonder how successful we have been? Surely being responsible for promoting and making our models, we must take into account the successes and failures. After all, these models are what we say we want out children to not onlt aspire to, but in some cases, to also become. We really cannot take a back seat in this process as we have been actively pushing, pursuing and holding them up for our chilren to emulate - this means that the 'bouquets and brickbats" will fall towards us.

So what do teens look for in a role model? I found an interesting blog 'What is a Role Model? Five Qualities that Matter to Teens' by Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD that helped me better understand. She lists the qualities she found in her study of teens were that they have:

1. Passion and Abilty to Inspire
2. A Clear Set of Values
3. A Commitment to Community
4. A Selflessness and Acceptance of Others
5. An Ability to Overcome Obstances

While the list above is not being really surprising, Price-Mitchell then went on to compare the difference between teen choices and those of adults. In somewhat of a shock it seems that teens ranked commitment to community above that of the adults. This came as a bit of shock when we consider the stereotypical teen!

I followed on and read her subsequent blog on 'How Role Models Influence Youth Strategies for Success', and was most pleased to see that children with growth mindsets aspire to more positive role models than students with "fixed or prevention mindset". It appears that the benefits of a growth mindset are really greater than just increased creativity and improved results.

All of this makes me wonder if:

• I promote good role models?
• I would be a positive role model?
• I push the growth mindset enough in my students?
• Is the idea of "winners" changing?
• our children see "winners" in the same way as we do?

A slight case of deflection

I think that over the years the most perplexing question that comes up concerns bullying. I have been amazed at the identity of the students who have been engaged in one form or another. The time at school is a time of uncertainty for most as they also navigate puberty. Strategies are needed and adopted by students and if and/or when they prove successful, they become the fallback option. I am suggesting that deflection onto another student has become one of these strategies, and amazingly it is even gaining greater acceptability among the student cohort

The identity and stereotypic image of a bully has begin to change. No longer is it only the alpha males of females and other members of the cool brigade - I realise that I am stereotyping here, but I do believe that many of the bully types are promoted by the wider society. I have noticed that in the past few years, that many who I would have previously considered to be likely victims have now become bullies. I think that the pressure to conform and other peer group pressures have made it easier for these students to quietly slip into that mode. I think that it has become a defence mechanism rather than a genuine wish to become a bully. In a way it goes back to the winners and losers debate that forms the basis of this blog.

The aim of most students as they go through their time at secondary school is to remain "as invisible as possible". Bringing attention to yourself, can be an unwanted and unwise. After all no one really wants to be a target. The obvious solution to many is to deflect and disappear. By deflection, I mean to provide an alternative target. However, this does have costs to both themselves and the new target.

The costs I refer to are chiefly of the moral and ethical kind. It is very easy to justify doing something even when we know it is wrong. If we were a previous "victim", them we have a good understanding of what it means and "feels like" to be bullied. It becomes easy to justify in your own mind the decision to deflect rather than be bullied, and I wonder what my decision would be in a similar situation? In their own minds, there is not an ethical problem, but in some we see empathy and ethical considerations rise and this can be problematic for them. Friendships and alliances built up can just as quickly disappear and this tends to have students live and think for the day - rather than planning for longer time periods. I suppose the survival instinct kicks in much faster than the empathy drive.

I really do wonder:

• how prevalent the deflection process is?
• how many go from being bullied to being a bully?
• if this is a temporary solution to a problem and not an ongoing condition?
• if being a bully equates to being a winner?

Slow Parenting

The whole idea of slow and steady seems to be lost on many of us. Life is hectic, yes, but does it really have to always be that way? Have you ever seen or heard someone rushing and totally planning the whole day for each and every day of the family holiday? I wonder how many of us have to learn how to relax?

The article on slow parenting made me stop and wonder what I was doing! The interesting thought

that I got out of it was that the parents are really the ones who cannot stop and use their children as an excuse. I think the quote beside says it all. We have lost the real purpose and push of parenting and are in danger of ruining the lives of our children. I like the comment by Honore, that children are now being "project managed" rather than parented. But at what cost? When you consider the rise in incidence of depression and self-harm, surely it is time to reconsider our approach as it is obviously not working.

I suppose I reflect back on my childhood and think of the most important thing my parents gave me - the value of time. We learnt how to relax and the importance of both "family" and "me" time. How quickly we forget that time is something that cannot be used again!

We live in a highly scheduled routine and seem to find it difficult when taken out of the "zone". The last holiday I had, I really felt that I only began to fully relax mid-way through. If it is that bad for us, what must it be like for our children? We are successfully creating a new generation of "workaholic" like individuals who believe that time spent doing nothing, is time wasted. This whole precept goes against the underpinning notions of mindfulness and well-being. Leisure is really a learnt art form and we as adults have not really passed on the secrets. The real problem with our actions is that a whole generation has no idea what to do when they actually have leisure time!

The outcomes of this are self evident and so well pointed out by Carl Honore - but I think that the micromanaging of the children has a lot to do with this problem. I think it is almost a case of parents being unable or unwilling to trust their children with the precious gift of time. Without some form of support rather than an imposed structure, they do resort to substance abuse and other negative behaviours. It is almost a given as they have been given little or no real practise by their parents. Perhaps then it is time to resort back to really teaching our kids the value of time and leisure. Are the consequences of letting them slowly have more 'me or leisure time' that dangerous given the options? Surely guided leisure is a solution to the problem as it will allow us all the opportunity to slow down.

I really wonder if:

• I encourage my boys how best to use leisure time?
• I over manage and regulate the time too much?
• I have lost the ability to relax and really slow down?

Overparenting

This has become a huge problem in many schools. Parents by definition are concerned and caring about their child. But has it become too much? Perhaps it has really become the time of the helicopter parent! I was reading a most interesting article on over parenting and the responses of schools. The article examines two new books (How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims and The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey) written by two educators who are also parents. This makes it a good read for both parents and teachers.

As teachers, we often receive calls or message concerning our students. We all have heard about projects left behind, lunches coming, sports gear coming for an after school game, and a variety of others. But of late the reasons and extent of this seems to be increasing and it makes me wonder about the resilience of the generation!

Lets just examine a couple of cases that come to mind that occurred over the last 12 months. In Hong Kong we are very much a "society of helpers". This can be taken in many ways, but I refer to the fact that many children have a helper who effectively manages their life. Sitting in my office, I see a helper arrive with a lunch box for a 11 year old. Not really strange when you think about it, but when I chatted I found out that she was sent with "fresh" food and wanted to deposit it directly into the child's locker. This was not going to be an isolated occurrence, but likely to be a daily one! A chat ensued regarding locker security and leaving the lunch box at our guard's office for collection.

Perhaps the most interesting "coincidence" was that a group of parents decided to make a visit to the same city as their children during our experience program. The trip is designed to help the children develop some independence and resilience strategies. I was leading the trip and had advised the parents that it would be counterproductive to have them visit or contact the students during the trip, but I suspect that regular calls and conversations formed part of the student's "free time". One teacher who accompanied me on part of the trip, had an urgent call from a parent on the morning of their departure from Hong Kong asking her to transport "an emergency supply of sweets" for her child.

The reason I bring these up is that the opportunity for the students to develop all important skills. I think it also sends a message to the child about trust and the fact they are not able to make decisions. One of the goals of the trip was to provide a safe environment for the child to "make mistakes" and learn strategies that will assist the development of resilience. In essence you put up walls and say that when this problem occurs use this method only - the child is not able to use their curiousity and creativity in providing an alternative that maybe a better solution.

It almost seems as if the idea of making a mistake in abhorent. Taking a risk in terms of trying to solve a new challenge is surely one of the gifts we wish for our children? But by the same token, don't let me see you failing! The concept learning from our mistakes seems to be something we wish to keep from our children and I think we do them an injustice by doing so. I think the picture says it all - failure is a state of mind for teh fixed mindset. But for the growth mindset, failure is a chance ot learn. I think if you google the lives of many of the greats of the past (in whatever field) you will find that they had the growth mindset. They tries and failed, but they kept on trying!

I wonder about:

• the long term effects of overparenting?
• how overparenting affects the resilience of a child?
• whether we are hindering or developing resilience skills in our children by overparenting?