Over stressed or simply anxious?

So what is the difference between being over stressed and just being anxious? I suppose this is a hard thing for all of us to recognize and even acknowledge there is a difference between the two. One of the bi-products of our self-promotion culture is the wonderful thing called anxiety and stress. I suppose if success is our "ying", then failure (real or perceived) is our "yang"! It has become a real stigma to be seen as struggling or anxious about something! It feels like the skeptics and doubters are there waiting for a sign of weakness, as they see weakness in the same way as we see failure. This only serves to increase the feeling of anxiety and drive the cycle. It is not a big step to go from over anxious to being depressed. 

One of the biggest stressors in our lives in uncertainty and unfortunately it seems to be an integral part of it! So the best option is develop the skills and strategies to handle stress and maybe even use it in a positive way. It's a given that a small amount of anxiety or stressors are in our life and give us a bit of edge and push us towards our goals. But it seems that we don't all respond to it in a positive way. Without sounding too much like a 'broken record', much of the problem lies squarely on our shoulders. Fully understanding the urge to 'protect our child' and removing stress when we can from their lives, we are missing an incredibly good opportunity to turn it into a meaningful teaching moment. At a younger age, they seem to have a resilience and be able to bounce back. Setbacks are soon forgotten as they simply get on with their life. It is more our reaction or response that acts more as a lasting memory. If we create a 'protect and isolate attitude', then stressors are seen as things to avoid and soon avoidance strategies are adopted by your child. This can lead to negative attitudes and behaviors surfacing. As a teacher, I see the avoidance strategies surface almost on a daily basis, and much of the problem would have (or could have) been solved if a 'growth mindset' has been adopted. By this I simply mean that the parent or caregiver had taken the time to non-demonise the anxiety and/or stressor. This would have provided the child with the all important strategy and get them on the path to resilience. Probably one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the strategy of resilience, but unfortunately it seems a gift not too often given.

The Guardian article (click here) gives us some insight especially in terms of university students in the UK, and in many ways the results are fightening. If there statement about the increase in the rise of anxiety is correct, then it becomes more obvious that we as a society are doing something wrong! If there are that many students acknowledging levels of clinical anxiety then how many others are suffering either in silence or 'self medicating or treating'? Bells ring and they toll that we are underpreparing our children for change, challenge and in the end the chance of long term success.  

The Age of Entitlement

The hidden cost of helicoptering and self promoting is the development of entitlement. By constantly having a white night coming to the rescue whenever a situation is too challenging, we ingrain habits in our children. The idea of self worth becomes distorted, and more importantly the concept of the worth of others totally changes. Teens will soon develop the behaviour patterns and habits of a 'learned helpless'. But the downside soon develops in that they expect and in some cases demand the same consideration from all around them. The language and demeanor becomes aggressive and the relationships with others suffers, sours, becomes toxic and eventually disintegrates.

We are the source of many of the habits of our children as well as providing a moral and ethical compass. The language, attitude and postures we adopt are soon mirrored. The helicopter squadron around our children provide a picture of constant support and a view that the self-promotion is fact. This is promoting a very skewed view of the world, and more importantly a very dangerous moral and ethical compass. 

These students are fed with the idea of elitism and enter the closed mind view of things. In this context I am referring to the moral and ethical closed minds, although they can also easily have the closed mindset associated with intellectual development and growth. Closed minds are not open to change and see things as static and in some cases "black and white". But inevitably, the result is them being a winner. If we also take into account the accelerated tendency to socialize, a very toxic situation can occur. I refer to the classic situation that accompanies the release of college positions early in the final year of school. The 'entitled' are soon crowing about their success and often decrying and denigrating the success of others. After all, the whole point of being entitled is that it does not apply to all others. I have often seen this situation become very toxic with the fighting and confrontations  (usually verbal and digital, but occasionally physical) that occur. Again it seems to involve the "winners" expressing their pleasure and displeasure at the allocation of the college offers. In the worse case scenario it seems the entitled are also able to be the be extremely judge mental!

Again it seems that the parenting style seems to have a lot to do with the feeling of entitlement. Helicoptering creates the inevitable - a feeling that everything will be done for you, and more importantly, that you will always get what you ask for. There is no real growth in self. It also works against the idea of growth mindset in many ways, and this will have its own problems in the future. Eventually the "by then young adult" arrives at a situation either in terms of work or college where the self-worth attitude cannot be reconciled with the performance levels. Unfortunately not everyone in the workplace or wider society will have the same tolerance, and there will undoubtedly be conflict.

An interesting online article "16 signs you have a Sense of Entitlement Complex" by Aletheia Luna asks whether or not you are entitled? It provides us with reasons for and outcomes of as well as a list of signs that indicate the onset of entitlement. It appears that we all have a tendency to feel entitled, but to what degree. I would advise reading the article (linked above) as it gives a bit of insight into entitlement. I think the most telling symptoms is the use of emotional blackmail at the first sign that something is not going their way. I'm sure we can all relate to that!   

Risky behaviour

I keep reading if all the 'risky behaviours' that are part of the college students life. This if course causes consternation in the parenting community, but I wonder how much is to do with being 'overprotected and under prepared'? The concept of residence and its development has been a concise the theme in my blogs. I think that observations in my many years of teaching have shown me that some students are lacking in this, and I think the blame lays squarely on our shoulders. By that I mean parents, as they should be the providers of this important skill.

Unfortunately the idea of 'being prepared' has changed somewhat over the years. Once being ready to leave home meant that we had the skills needed to survive independently. So the parents 'taught' their children the basic skills and strategies to become resilient. So we are sending off teens not fully trained  in making decisions and adjusting to new situations they will encounter. Is it any wonder that we read and hear about far too many incidents of risky behaviour occurring? The under prepared wobbly and shift course enjoying what can be their first instance of 'unstructured and in many cases unsupervised play'. A dangerous mix if the internal boundaries have not been set by years of practise. 

Now it seems, for many, that being prepared revolves more about pushing the self promotion without allowing for the self actualisation to occur. A generation of 'entitlement' can be gained by 'following the route and ticking off the boxes'. The self belief is not matched by the ability, and for the first time self doubt arises. Being suddenly independent at this time makes them feel even more adrift and poor decision making can easy step in. We know that the community and surroundings of any person will have a marked affect on behaviour, especially considering the "peer effect". Things that they would normally not contemplating doing in one situation are fair in a different one. So throwing a group of teens together in a largely unstructured environment can quickly lead to greater risk for the unprepared. 

I mentioned the social and emotional importance of play throughout a child's life in another blog. The 'unsupervised' (by adults) and unstructured play allows them to see the boundaries that exist in terms of safety, and children quickly respond and develop their own 'moral and social compass'. Surely it is preferable to have them experiment at a younger age than in the adult oriented domain of colleges? I remember the bruises and scrapes associated with this, but I also remember having a series of boundaries in place at a relatively early age. But in saying this I will point out that I always had to provide details about where I was and who I was with. So although I was not always in the company of adults, I had the loose tether attached which allowed me to still be in some form of 'contact'. And all of this was in the days before mobile phones!

But on the "flip side" studies of the brain show that maturation of the various levels develop or mature at different times. So the region responsible for controlling impulses and risky behaviour is not fully developed until late teens and beyond. This of course will be a generalisation and the 'time of onset' will probably vary. The brain is pliable and if we make the connections and re-enforce them, perhaps we can assist in the development of this important region. However, it is a hard thing to "teach" with many teens exposed to the facts, but that does not in any way guarantee that they will not try risky behaviours. I do think that providing alternative outlets for their adrenaline search is a good way to provide safer alternatives.

There are lots of helpful hints and advice sites to be found on the web, but I was taken by the simple and straightforward approach found on the Australian Parenting website, and I also like the reminder that if you are really concerned contact a professional.

Moody behaviour and beyond

Just how is this whole self-promotion push by society affecting our teens? An interesting article by Richard A. Friedman in the New York Times makes for a good read. I think it gets to the point where our children are undergoing pressures that are stretching their resilience levels to breaking point and that is presenting problems now and will continue to do so into the foreseeable future. So the resilience skills that we should be integrating into their lives takes on an added importance. And of course, all is done to make them 'winners'.

We all know from experience how the moods of teens seems to be variable to say the least. The physical and emotional changes they are going through these years makes us believe that mood changes are simply part of life. This is worrying in many ways as the pressure may be greater than we percieve. We simply put off these behaviours to being part of the normal and not signs of a possible disorders, including depression.

The ability to recognise these behaviours is a bit more of a problem. Many of them are often confused with typical adolescent behaviors by parents and teachers. It's not a question of looking but of the turmoil that most teens go through. Far too often we seem to provide simple one liners to try to sort through the problem as they "grow out of the stage they are going through". We really don't understand depression all that well and think that by being positive we can have them come out the other end. I think that more by good luck than good management most of the mood swings are just that. Perhaps a look at the section of the Mayo Clinic website on Teen Depression would enlighten us a little more on what to look for. If we recognize the signs, there is a chance that we can help. 

A major problem here for both parent and child is the stigma attached to depression by society. It is seen as a symptom or sign of failure. Something to be shunned and hidden from public view, and I think that this a major reason for not recording and/or treating it. It is more the embarrassment of the parents that is slowing everything than our understanding of treatments. This only serves to have the child hide and ignore the symptoms rather than seek treatment. Our actions impact on our children in all sorts of ways, but our attitudes also leave a long lasting impression.

Seeing the long term effects of depression leaves a lasting impression. Once happy and enthusiastic become withdrawn and sullen. I wonder if early intervention strategies would have made a difference because the damage can already be done. The depression does not go away and affects the person all throughout their life. However it seems that some of our teens do not really see a future and the repercussions of that are devastating to all close to them.

It has been part of my later experience to find students in the recent cohorts who have been diagnosed. This seems to be a later day problem. But it is more likely that it is making an appearance more due to changes in diagnosis and acceptance. I do wish that view expressed by society would change to be even more inclusive.

I really wonder if

• I would recognize the signs of depression?
• I provide the support needed to depressed students?
• the presures on students are the cause or maybe the "straw that breaks the camel's back'?

Overprotected and underprepared

It was quite by chance that I bumped into this article on over parenting. I see it (over parenting) all of the time and the problems that come from this are rather marked. It really is not a "new" situation and I have previously referring to the been children being put into "cotton wool" for protection. Again, I understand wanting to do the best for your child, but is cocooning them and making them avoid risks and risky situations really the best option if we want to instill resilience? know this theme has been a constant thread in much of the mainstream media of late.

It's amazing isn't it, the recurrence of resilience as a objective of both parenting and teaching, and yet so many of our children leave for college with only small supplies! This leaves them unprepared and 'unarmed' in terms of coping strategies for the new adventures that lie ahead.

The rise of the helicopter parent really has diminished a very important strategy in a child's learning - play. The idea of uncontrolled (by adults) play seems like a very risky concept to many. But really it's a great learning opportunity, especially for social growth and risk assessment, that simply goes begging. We know that children learn best by doing, but instead we pass on our wisdom to them. It goes against good practise but we persist. By play children learn quickly what us dangerous, what is safe and probably more important, boundaries that exist between the two.

Children have more smarts than we give them credit for. Yes, they may have a hiccup or two along the way, but the learning will be much more powerful that the moments of embarrassment that come with them.

I believe that some of the resistance that parents have in allowing their child to engage in this unsupervised play, is the stigma and embarrassment associated with failure. If a child slips up and has problems or is slightly injured during the play, the parent is somehow seen as a failure (as a parent). So rather than going through this "social stigma", they choose the option of control. We all seem to miss the idea the word fail is really an acronym for "first attempt in learning". I have often seen this in social media and see benefits in adopting it in discussions with children. The word, fail, itself has no stigma apart from the one we apply to it, and our children will soon pick up on this and thus it will be passed from one generation to the next. I think the major flaw with this overprotective thinking and mantra of the helicopter squadron is that our children out off their "uncontrolled play" until they are away from parents at college. Surely the risks are much greater and the falls much harder there than they would have been at a younger age. Again, you are robbing your child of opportunities to develop resilience, and we all realise how importance that is to "winners".

I think that the social skills learnt in play are also at times overlooked by parents. Admittedly we can see the best and worst in interactions between children, but by experiencing both they soon develop a better understanding. Children will form their own moral compass and borders regarding the behaviour that is and is not OK for certain situations. Parents give the basics of 'right and wrong' and what us acceptable in different situations. They will use and modify these as they move between the different social occasions. Children will adapt their behaviours to suit the people they are with, acting one way when with friends while another with family and yet another when in new places. Surely having been exposed to as many different social situations as possible will better prepare them for being away and surrounded by strangers at college! Society has so many different personality factors that our children will come in contact with during their lives. Why stop them from learning because we feel uncomfortable? Their coping skills will be enhanced. So, why deprive our children of this opportunity? The control factor (of the parents) is the obvious factor that comes to mind - they do not feel comfortable in these situations and that is quickly messaged to the child.

It makes me wonder if:

• I allow enough play or do I interrupt and think I am enhancing learning?
• I would let my children learn by doing?
• we as a society don't put a greater emphasis on play?
• as a teacher I promote play as a means of learning?