The Rise of Narcissism

I find it amazing that we still as a society push towards creating the self-promoting models year after year and never really reflect on whether or not we are doing the right thing for our children! The push for "self" has become a game that perpetuates itself and soon it will consume our society. It now seems that the successive generations have adopted and embraced narcissism, and we wonder why they are making more and more risky decisions. Almost daily we read articles about "rogue (any occupation)" who have made risky decisions, lost and have been caught. But the truly sad part is, they often taken unwilling and unwitting third parties down with them. Part of being a narcissist is the elevated belief in your own ability and opinions, and that others are inconsequential.

I was reading the article in the American Psychology Association website by Sadie Dingfelder about the link between the self-promotion and the rise of narcissism. She begins by imagining a society where narcissism is rampant and has now become an integral part of the "fabric of that society". A simple reflection on our current society (regardless of where you are in the developed world) and this imaginary state is perhaps closer than we actually believe. A simple browse through the numerous social media sites will remove doubts you have. Then a visit to news sites that gives us examples of excessive risk taking by young executives who have grown up in this age of self promotion, remove any doubts I may have had. The studies mentioned by Dingfelder seem to suggest that narcissism is on the rise. She seems to lay much of the blame with parents and the internet. The ability and notoriety associated with "internet fame" tend to push more and more to publish their daily lives in greater and greater detail. The widespread availability of the internet to do this in developed countries is obviously a decided contributing factor. In previous readings, I have found that current teen would rather be and aspire to be an assistant to a current celebrity, rather than working for a prestigious institution like Harvard.The problem seems to have gained a "life of its own", so much so that it now has its own name - Narcissistic Entitlement Syndrome (NES). In his blog on employment issues, Harrison Barnes examines it and looks at its effects on employment. He identifies the characteristics of those suffering from NES and issues that result in the workplace. Barnes also points out that there is a sense of narcissism in us all, but that the degree differs. If we examine the characteristics that are cited by Barnes then we can perhaps have a greater understanding of the issues and problems. The problem lies not with the development of narcissism, but with its ongoing effects into the adult life. Barnes points out that many of the NES "sufferers" tend to have trouble with maintaining a "healthy working environment and a fluent work history". 

So what can we say are the general about our office narcissist, and how can they be recognised?

1. They tend to be pre-occupied with their own obvious ability, brilliance and power. They crave advancement and success
2. They tend to have a sense of self-importance that is not always supported by their actions and past performance.
3. They tend to lack empathy and can be quite exploitive of others (both in and outside the workplace)
4. They tend to be jealous of others when they succeed or gain recognition, and convinced that others are jealous of them.
5. They tend to require constant recognition and approval, even for minimal/mandatory gains or successes.

Although this sounds and reads like a list of semi admirable traits, together they tend to provide a picture of a self-centred and self-absorbed individual. However, Barnes also points out that these "types" tend to be heading towards a real problem when failure eventually catches-up. Part of the responsibility for creating a coping adult is to ensure that things do not get out of hand in their teens. In early adulthood it may be too late to change the attitudes that are already ingrained. I suppose then it gets down to whether as parents, we are prepared to keep promoting this kind of entitlement and narcissism in our teens?

Beating anxiety or at least trying to cope

I suppose the thing that has become very evident is the way that students react to stress. The number of anxiety cases seems to be on the increase as the stressors change with the times. As a teacher and a parent I wonder how best to help them develop the coping strategies. It really is something that we need to look more closely at. I sought out some possible simple explanation and suggestions and found an easy to read site HelpGuide.org (access here). An amazing note in the articles I have recently read, is that anxiety attacks could be linked with the overprotective or helicopter parent, who could inadvertently provide the triggers that will lead to attacks occurring in their children.

I think that the first step involves deciding and/or acknowledging that thereby is a problem. The problem lies in the self-promotion spiral that surrounds us and them, and knowing that showing any signs would be taken as a weakness. The schadenfreude in all around would soon lets us know that we have "failed' and that is was now well known and circulating. I think that this has really stopped or slowed discussions that really could have helped this problem develop to its current level. I know that students in particular are really concerned about their public persona and very conscious of their place in the world, and am becoming more convinced that it is a cause in the "slowdown of the identification and treatment". How many times have I seen self-denial lead to the problem become larger, is too many to recall! The idea that they are the cause rather than that they have a problem is a distinction that is lost on most teens. Again, the idea of admitting that a problem exists is the first step in actually solving and treating the issue.

Unfortunately panic attacks seem to come in cycles for many, and the triggers can be associated with people or places. This can present problems with students as they associate the school with attacks, making the school a stressor/trigger. The explanation of stressors and the anxiety cycle provided by David Carbonell in his Panic Attacks workbook is shown, and I would suggest that a read of his two articles is definitely worth the time (I have linked them - AnxietyCoach.com and The Panic Cycle for easy access). Carbonell sees the pattern in terms of triggers and responses, and if you look closely you see that it makes a lot of sense. we all associate happiness, sadness and other emotions like fear with positive and negative thoughts and actions that have occurred. We see them as precursors of recurring patterns and not as isolated incidents that can occur in our lives. These attacks produce very real physical symptoms that reinforce the emotion and tend to magnify the anxiety levels.

So the strategies we adopt have to try and "de-link" the feeling with the perceived stressor/trigger. This can be much harder than you think if the teen has bottled up their anxiety and the cycle has been gone through several times. This will inevitably strengthen the link between the trigger/stressor and the anxiety attack. So as you can imagine, identifying and then addressing the problem early is imperative.

Some suggestions or strategies that might help are:

1. Write them down - having the anxiety trapped inside will tend to magnify it. If you can write down your feelings and anxieties, it will have a cathartic affect and allow you to release some of the anxiety. If we talk it out it can be done relatively quickly, but by taking the time to describe and explain the sensations and feelings will help release some of the tension. This is a classic step in anger management and helps to alleviate that emotion to a manageable level, so it should also work on this emotion as well. 
2. Accept that life is uncertain - there are many of us who over think and plan too much. This will make us a little inflexible and unable or unwilling to handle change. I relate this to instilling a fixed mindset in your child that promotes a real black and white mentality that does not really allow for coping with change. A growth mindset, on the other hand, will allow your child to see challenges for what they are and have the flexibility to adapt to change. Being goal oriented does not mean that you have to have a fixed mindset.
3. Admit there is a problem - is probably the hardest thing any of us to do, little own a teen. Many of us concentrate on the physical symptoms and treating them instead of seeing the root cause is something in our past that makes us over think and worry whenever a certain trigger occurs. The main thing to remember is that the many of us are insecure and have anxiety triggers and that by admitting it and seeking help can we hope to treat the actual cause rather than the symptoms. 

Keeping an Open Mind

I like the concept of student well-being! I know its not new, but the emphasis on it has changed and now we are really looking at the cause-effects and offering possible solutions. Unfortunately, not all parents and educators see well-being and positive education as a good or even welcome addition to a school program. But the benefits in individual and collective creativity, grades and life-long learning seem to suggest that it is! I think there is a confusion that it is really an add-on or window dressing and not really a central theme of the curriculum of any school.


I was sitting in on a meeting about life-long learning and heard a wonderful message. I paraphrase it to be "Your worth is symbolised by your value to others in your community". However, this statement goes against all of the self-promotion ideas and strategies promoted by much of our current society. Some would see this as an idealistic or even trite comment, but if we really value the personal growth and self-actualisation of our children as a real goal, then we can clearly see that it goes right to the heart of the matter. I think that in many ways this has been lost in the rush to self-promote and "push our own barrow" more often than not at the expense of others.  I think that this is a really important lesson for both ourselves and our children.

I find it interesting that major well known curriculum documents like the International Baccalaureate highlight the need for development in this area. Most of the parents I talk to at parent teacher events have a major interest in this document as grades gained from it are a very important factor in their child's education! Little do they realise that it also contains a portrait of what a successful IB student "looks like" as detailed in this learner profile. But are we missing the point the IB wanted to clearly recognise in its documentation?

Perhaps a misconception that goes with the concept of positive education is that we must spend time meditating. We picture our children sitting around chanting mantras, like "om". But before you dismiss the idea, might I point out that "om" could quiet easily signify "open mindedness"? I think that the International Baccalaureate pretty well sums it up in their documents. So open-minded refers to not only addressing and adopting different points of view and learning from others in our community, but actively seeking them out. Surely this would constitute and an important character trait that we would like instilled in our children!

I have included three other learner profile attributed found in the documentation. If we consider all of them, I think we would see them as a central theme for any well-being or positive education program. And this makes me think that if the process and needs were "sold to school communities" in a different way, then the acceptance would be higher. I also think that we can see why it would be advantageous to a child's education for schools to incorporate, employ and embrace aspects of positive education. And I suppose this is why I get back to the idea of open-minded, not only for children but also for the rest of us.

The demands made upon us have increased with our changing society, but they will in all probability be greater on our children than they have been on us. So why do we resist the attempts to give them strategies that will allow them to survive and even thrive? I really see the idea of positive education and the emphasis on well-being as a major step in the right direction.

Did they really say that?

I really sometimes wonder at the logic that is behind certain conversations that I have had with teens during my years of teaching. A fair amount of the time I have to spend with them out of class centres around the logical fallacies that are used in "discussions" between themselves, as they can often to lead to misunderstandings and conflict. I'm sure that this would also be true for most parents. It is important to realise that I am concentrating on teens in my discussion, but as we can all atest it is not confined to them with many adults also indulging in this dubious practice. I also note, with some irony, that it bears an uncanny resemblence to logic that is used by some (or most depending on how closely you follow) politicians. 

I think at times we put some of the conversations we have with teens as "just a stage they are going through" and they will soon grow out of. The whole concept of responsibility and responsible behaviour is yet to fully develop. According to certain brain based studies, teens will not begin to develop in this area until they are in their twenties. The problem is that not only will it affect their behaviour, but also their thinking and communication. So having conversations involving logical thinking can at times be a little problematic. I'm sure we can all relate to the comment the included ' .. but everyone else is doing it ....'. A totally illogical argument that involves this sort of thinking tells us a lot about the state of mind. But in the teen's mind this is a perfectly acceptable response as they try to find their place within the group and be a winner in their and their peer's eyes. I hate to say that I have heard similar arguments from 'adults', and it tends to be 'the sign of a weak argument to follow'.

I was having a really good discussion about the logical fallacies associated with arguments with a family member. She gave me a paper to read to help me understand the topic. It seems that there a list of common argument styles and as I read the paper I realised that they sounded most familiar. It seems that many of the styles are the preferred method of argument of teens, and I'm sure that many will be familiar with most of you. The problem now might be that I will try to label the argument rather than fully understand it. Many of the conflicts occur because the teen does not see or consider the accuracy of their words before they are uttered, and with the 'win - lose' mentality that goes with the self-promotion, using a variety of strategies to be seen as the winner. Now with this being such an important goal, then the truth and accuracy of comments tends to suffer.

One of the more popular methods adopted by our teens is referred to as "ad hominem". This is an attack on the character of a person rather than his or her opinions or arguments, and is perhaps the most insidious of the strategies that are commonly used. It does little to try to refute an idea, but is more focussed on attacking the other person. Having this sort of attitude that allows you to think you are able to be so judgemental, is a really good example of entitlement. Students can quickly find themselves on the wrong end of a bullying situation or worse. This can really change their relationships with others and it becomes imperative for their long term success that we help them. I really think that the best option is to communicate. In many of the cases that I have seen, the teen had little concept of either danger they were in or the actual nature of the verbal attack. But as a teen, especially older ones almost ready to leave home, they realize that ignorance and naivety are no longer viable or acceptable excuses.

But as with all things involved in a teen's behaviour I wonder how much is learned and its source? I find that when they use this form of argument, they are usually very emotional and really have no intention of seeing either logic or reason when talked to. I'm sure that parents could relate to conversations involving this about some other classmate or friend that somehow has angered them. I believe that the real reason is the result of self promotion and the 'push to be a winner' gone wrong. As responsible adults we need to help them through this period and discuss the problem, as it will help them immensely when they try to develop new relationships and try to maintain existing ones.

Try to provide strategies that will help:

• It's ok to have disagreements, some you will win and some you will lose
• It's not ok to make personal attacks in arguments as you will harm the relationships you have with friends and partners
• It's not ok to use stereotyping as part of your argument as not all members of a religion, culture, race or gender are all the same
• In an argument address the issues and not the individual as the argument is about something you care about 
• Use logical arguments and include specifics
• Most importanly, sometimes its ok to simply walk away from an argument

Over stressed or simply anxious?

So what is the difference between being over stressed and just being anxious? I suppose this is a hard thing for all of us to recognize and even acknowledge there is a difference between the two. One of the bi-products of our self-promotion culture is the wonderful thing called anxiety and stress. I suppose if success is our "ying", then failure (real or perceived) is our "yang"! It has become a real stigma to be seen as struggling or anxious about something! It feels like the skeptics and doubters are there waiting for a sign of weakness, as they see weakness in the same way as we see failure. This only serves to increase the feeling of anxiety and drive the cycle. It is not a big step to go from over anxious to being depressed. 

One of the biggest stressors in our lives in uncertainty and unfortunately it seems to be an integral part of it! So the best option is develop the skills and strategies to handle stress and maybe even use it in a positive way. It's a given that a small amount of anxiety or stressors are in our life and give us a bit of edge and push us towards our goals. But it seems that we don't all respond to it in a positive way. Without sounding too much like a 'broken record', much of the problem lies squarely on our shoulders. Fully understanding the urge to 'protect our child' and removing stress when we can from their lives, we are missing an incredibly good opportunity to turn it into a meaningful teaching moment. At a younger age, they seem to have a resilience and be able to bounce back. Setbacks are soon forgotten as they simply get on with their life. It is more our reaction or response that acts more as a lasting memory. If we create a 'protect and isolate attitude', then stressors are seen as things to avoid and soon avoidance strategies are adopted by your child. This can lead to negative attitudes and behaviors surfacing. As a teacher, I see the avoidance strategies surface almost on a daily basis, and much of the problem would have (or could have) been solved if a 'growth mindset' has been adopted. By this I simply mean that the parent or caregiver had taken the time to non-demonise the anxiety and/or stressor. This would have provided the child with the all important strategy and get them on the path to resilience. Probably one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the strategy of resilience, but unfortunately it seems a gift not too often given.

The Guardian article (click here) gives us some insight especially in terms of university students in the UK, and in many ways the results are fightening. If there statement about the increase in the rise of anxiety is correct, then it becomes more obvious that we as a society are doing something wrong! If there are that many students acknowledging levels of clinical anxiety then how many others are suffering either in silence or 'self medicating or treating'? Bells ring and they toll that we are underpreparing our children for change, challenge and in the end the chance of long term success.  

The Age of Entitlement

The hidden cost of helicoptering and self promoting is the development of entitlement. By constantly having a white night coming to the rescue whenever a situation is too challenging, we ingrain habits in our children. The idea of self worth becomes distorted, and more importantly the concept of the worth of others totally changes. Teens will soon develop the behaviour patterns and habits of a 'learned helpless'. But the downside soon develops in that they expect and in some cases demand the same consideration from all around them. The language and demeanor becomes aggressive and the relationships with others suffers, sours, becomes toxic and eventually disintegrates.

We are the source of many of the habits of our children as well as providing a moral and ethical compass. The language, attitude and postures we adopt are soon mirrored. The helicopter squadron around our children provide a picture of constant support and a view that the self-promotion is fact. This is promoting a very skewed view of the world, and more importantly a very dangerous moral and ethical compass. 

These students are fed with the idea of elitism and enter the closed mind view of things. In this context I am referring to the moral and ethical closed minds, although they can also easily have the closed mindset associated with intellectual development and growth. Closed minds are not open to change and see things as static and in some cases "black and white". But inevitably, the result is them being a winner. If we also take into account the accelerated tendency to socialize, a very toxic situation can occur. I refer to the classic situation that accompanies the release of college positions early in the final year of school. The 'entitled' are soon crowing about their success and often decrying and denigrating the success of others. After all, the whole point of being entitled is that it does not apply to all others. I have often seen this situation become very toxic with the fighting and confrontations  (usually verbal and digital, but occasionally physical) that occur. Again it seems to involve the "winners" expressing their pleasure and displeasure at the allocation of the college offers. In the worse case scenario it seems the entitled are also able to be the be extremely judge mental!

Again it seems that the parenting style seems to have a lot to do with the feeling of entitlement. Helicoptering creates the inevitable - a feeling that everything will be done for you, and more importantly, that you will always get what you ask for. There is no real growth in self. It also works against the idea of growth mindset in many ways, and this will have its own problems in the future. Eventually the "by then young adult" arrives at a situation either in terms of work or college where the self-worth attitude cannot be reconciled with the performance levels. Unfortunately not everyone in the workplace or wider society will have the same tolerance, and there will undoubtedly be conflict.

An interesting online article "16 signs you have a Sense of Entitlement Complex" by Aletheia Luna asks whether or not you are entitled? It provides us with reasons for and outcomes of as well as a list of signs that indicate the onset of entitlement. It appears that we all have a tendency to feel entitled, but to what degree. I would advise reading the article (linked above) as it gives a bit of insight into entitlement. I think the most telling symptoms is the use of emotional blackmail at the first sign that something is not going their way. I'm sure we can all relate to that!   

Risky behaviour

I keep reading if all the 'risky behaviours' that are part of the college students life. This if course causes consternation in the parenting community, but I wonder how much is to do with being 'overprotected and under prepared'? The concept of residence and its development has been a concise the theme in my blogs. I think that observations in my many years of teaching have shown me that some students are lacking in this, and I think the blame lays squarely on our shoulders. By that I mean parents, as they should be the providers of this important skill.

Unfortunately the idea of 'being prepared' has changed somewhat over the years. Once being ready to leave home meant that we had the skills needed to survive independently. So the parents 'taught' their children the basic skills and strategies to become resilient. So we are sending off teens not fully trained  in making decisions and adjusting to new situations they will encounter. Is it any wonder that we read and hear about far too many incidents of risky behaviour occurring? The under prepared wobbly and shift course enjoying what can be their first instance of 'unstructured and in many cases unsupervised play'. A dangerous mix if the internal boundaries have not been set by years of practise. 

Now it seems, for many, that being prepared revolves more about pushing the self promotion without allowing for the self actualisation to occur. A generation of 'entitlement' can be gained by 'following the route and ticking off the boxes'. The self belief is not matched by the ability, and for the first time self doubt arises. Being suddenly independent at this time makes them feel even more adrift and poor decision making can easy step in. We know that the community and surroundings of any person will have a marked affect on behaviour, especially considering the "peer effect". Things that they would normally not contemplating doing in one situation are fair in a different one. So throwing a group of teens together in a largely unstructured environment can quickly lead to greater risk for the unprepared. 

I mentioned the social and emotional importance of play throughout a child's life in another blog. The 'unsupervised' (by adults) and unstructured play allows them to see the boundaries that exist in terms of safety, and children quickly respond and develop their own 'moral and social compass'. Surely it is preferable to have them experiment at a younger age than in the adult oriented domain of colleges? I remember the bruises and scrapes associated with this, but I also remember having a series of boundaries in place at a relatively early age. But in saying this I will point out that I always had to provide details about where I was and who I was with. So although I was not always in the company of adults, I had the loose tether attached which allowed me to still be in some form of 'contact'. And all of this was in the days before mobile phones!

But on the "flip side" studies of the brain show that maturation of the various levels develop or mature at different times. So the region responsible for controlling impulses and risky behaviour is not fully developed until late teens and beyond. This of course will be a generalisation and the 'time of onset' will probably vary. The brain is pliable and if we make the connections and re-enforce them, perhaps we can assist in the development of this important region. However, it is a hard thing to "teach" with many teens exposed to the facts, but that does not in any way guarantee that they will not try risky behaviours. I do think that providing alternative outlets for their adrenaline search is a good way to provide safer alternatives.

There are lots of helpful hints and advice sites to be found on the web, but I was taken by the simple and straightforward approach found on the Australian Parenting website, and I also like the reminder that if you are really concerned contact a professional.